Ian Proud
A masterclass in talking points, name-drops, and wilful blindness, penned by a reporter who's visited the front line at least once... on Zoom.
I'm the best journalist at the Guardigraph
No one better than I am.
Take Ukraine!
No one knows it more than me
Been there at least once
..if you include Zoom calls
Have all the best contacts
Still do.
Centre for Countering Disinformation
- Top blokes!
Kyiv Independent
- Less biased than Jesus.
Andriy Yermak
- Purer than the driven snow
Western contacts too
Kaja Kallas
- Gets her best ideas from me!
Mark Rutte
- He knows I'M THE DADDY!
Toria Nuland
- Should have got the Nobel Peace Prize!
- (Great cookies too)
But 2025 has been hard
Readers are changing!
Views shifting!
Everyone is reframing
Trying to erode my true self
But here's the thing.
Ukraine is winning!
You heard me.
You-Krane iz Win-ning!
What are these other idiots talking about?
John Mearsheimer?
- What has HE ever predicted?
Jeff Sachs?
- Sell out!
Glenn Diesen, Danny Davis, Alexander Mer-curry-and-rice?
- Who on earth are they?
Who's paying them?
Don't answer that.
We all know.
Been clear all the time.
Don't even need to ask.
PUTIN!
Do you think he's running Russia?
Standing up to NATO?
Building links across the developing world?
NO!
He doesn't have time for that.
Too busy writing cheques!
To these quislings
And Kremlin stooges
That's right.
And I don't know how.
Because Russia has NO MONEY!
I mean, literally, no money at all.
4th biggest economy by PPP?
- Shut up!
Almost $400bn surplus since war started?
- TOTALLY MADE UP
Higher growth than Europe?
- Fake news!
Russia-has-no-cash!
So stop talking about peace
We just need more sanctions
20,000 sanctions already?
Plenty more sanctions we can do
- A metal factory in Yakutsk
- The Astrakhan community bank
- A doorman in Chelyabinsk
Hit them hard!
Putin will soon beg for peace
Ukraine's a better investment
- Bankrupt is the new bounty
- Beggary the new normal
- Poverty has never been so chic.
All my friends in Shoreditch know this!
Why do they need money anyway?
They have ours!
Europe has the dosh.
Our citizens don't need it.
Annalena said so.
Ukrainians come first!
This is not Dickens
I'm not Fagin
You want more?
You had $100 billion last year!
Don't give me that crap!
No it's not easy.
- German factories shutting
- Polish farmers rebelling
- French taxpayers moaning
Just small details!
$60 bn per year?
Small change
It's a sound investment
Ukraine is fighting to make us safe!
Who cares if they're not making us warm
Or prosperous
Or nourished.
They are winning!
- Pokrivsk, Siversk, Huliaipole all fallen?
- Can't muster enough soldiers?
- Running out of ammunition?
DISTRACTIONS!
KREMLIN PROPAGANDA!
Russia's army is collapsing
- Travelling on golf buggies
- Sending their cripples
- So hungry, they're eating each other
They're recruiting 400,000 troops per year?
Outproducing Europe in munitions?
Have air dominance?
DETAILS!
NATO is the answer
JUST LET UKRAINE JOIN!
Russia can't say no
So they invaded Ukraine
Destroyed cities
Pummelled power stations
Took 20% of the land
Russia's too weak to resist now
Britain has 10,000 troops to send
Estonia definitely has 15
Just trust in Zelensky
He's Gandhi in a bomber jacket
Mandela with a golden bog
Stop forcing him into unacceptable compromise
Like tackling corruption
Ending busification
And holding elections
He wants peace more than Putin
Peace would be great for him
His citizens would be jobless
His army disgruntled
His economy in tatters
NATO off the table
When he promised it would happen
He'll win elections by a landslide
Coz his peeps know Ukraine will be European
Even if the Poles hate it
The Hungarians say no way
And Brussels has no dough
See, they spent it all on the war
But Ukraine can still win!
Trust me.
I'm a western journalist.
Happy New Year.
Peace and goodwill to all men
Well, so long as they're not Russian.